Really WTF...??
I know! I should not ask that. Am I not supposed to be the nice conservative (oops!! Did I say conservative? I think it is one of the most distorted words in English but that will be a blog for another day) polite, Christian girl? Should I add ex-nun? I know you are rolling your eyes but I was in a convent, I shock myself too. Let's just say God has an out of this world sense of humor no pun intended.
Anyway let me stop digressing and back to the main question. Yes I am asking the million dollar question what the hell happened to my life?
I had a life, (at least a portion of it ) planned out. If you are like me, I am sure you have your life planned out too. I had goals and career ambitions. They included but were not limited to;
Yes those were some of my goals, still are my goals and ambitions.Did everything I could to achieve them, to turn them into a reality. But, what I did not know though I heard it so many times before, is that life does not always go as planned. Adversities come and shake us to the core, bringing our well planned out lives, our hopes and dreams to the ground in a pile of rubble. It is under such pile of rubble that I am blogging and asking what the heck happened?? My Polisci degree is still a hoax. Last fall Stanford, Columbia, UC Berkeley, UCLA and USC teased me, ignited my passion, almost turned that dream into reality. Oh the way I had envisioned my commencement at Stanford I even had my speech prepared, an outfit and some Louboutins.Never mind that they would be hidden under a graduation gown. Wharr!! amazing how the human brain works. But all these schools left me me high and dry. I did not know I had to sell my kidneys and other essential organs to afford any college.
Havard? well... it is a main rumor for now. A loving husband? Let's not even go there even after I edited my "Perfect man list" deleting the ex-model parts in a bid to garner some points with God, hence a faster delivery, it is yet to happen. My Adam is still asleep. The kids? the names are still secret and they may be so for eternity as I am currently struggling with a health condition that seriously endangers my ability to bring them forth. My high profile career? let's just leave it at that.What the heck happened to my life?? I am friggin 35 and jobless!! My friends are graduating from the Ivy league, getting married, are climbing that corporate ladder and the works. One actually got my dream job in Geneva!( I am so proud and jealous of you girl!!) I know you want to scream at me saying "don't compare yourself"!!, I know I should not, I try not to, I am only human and sometimes it is hard not to. There are days when I want to call life names, and trust me none of them would be "holy" or anything along those lines.
Yet in the midst of it all, there is a gentle voice, the voice of truth, a voice that tells me not to be afraid. That everything is unfolding as it should. That I might never be an Ivy league alumni, never have children, might never work in Geneva (sob! sob). That all these goals though are very noble in themselves should not define me. The voice tells me I am created for a higher purpose and even though my path my appear different from what I had planned, all things are working together for good, to give me a future and a hope. This voice raises a hope in me, a tiny flicker of hope. It is all that I have and I will hang vicariously with all that I am onto that hope.
So you ask, Anne why are you parading your private life online, on a blog for the world to see?
I wish I had an answer, but don't I already do that on Facebook? At least my "fabulous life". Well I am writing this blog because it is cathartic but also to encourage someone out there, who like me could be asking what the...? Might be going through some real hard times, a major crisis. Life might not turning out as you had planned, your marriage might be falling apart, you are single heading 50 and wondering where you went wrong, might so badly want to have children but you cannot. Whatever you are going through, be encouraged. Keep the faith. Scripture reminds us that Abraham at the prime age of 99 hoped against all hope that he would be the father of a great nation. Even though Sarah his wife was barren and his body almost as dead. "He was convinced that God will accomplish everything He had promised" Romans4:21.
May we truly believe. I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I know WHO holds it.
As the Austrian poet Rainer Maria Rilke said, "let life happen to you, believe me: Life is in the right always". To quote him again, I say, may we live our questions now, our WTF questions (italics mine) and perhaps even without knowing it, we will live along some distant day into our answers.
Peace.
I know! I should not ask that. Am I not supposed to be the nice conservative (oops!! Did I say conservative? I think it is one of the most distorted words in English but that will be a blog for another day) polite, Christian girl? Should I add ex-nun? I know you are rolling your eyes but I was in a convent, I shock myself too. Let's just say God has an out of this world sense of humor no pun intended.
Anyway let me stop digressing and back to the main question. Yes I am asking the million dollar question what the hell happened to my life?
I had a life, (at least a portion of it ) planned out. If you are like me, I am sure you have your life planned out too. I had goals and career ambitions. They included but were not limited to;
- Degree in Political Science from the Institute of Political Science in Paris by the time I turn 26,
- A dual Phd/JD from Havard atleast before I hit 33 ( I have issues and lack of ambition is clearly not one of them)
- A loving caring husband, well educated, with great looks an ex-Mr Kenya or ex-Esquire or an Abercrombie and Fitch model. In my fantasy world looks and brains go hand in hand.
- Two kids, I had the names picked ( well I still do I must confess) and hidden in a secret box lest someone decided to steal my kids names.
- A high profile career in some international organisation, securing me a home in Geneva and enough change in my pocket to start a scholarship for girls in my rural village.
Yes those were some of my goals, still are my goals and ambitions.Did everything I could to achieve them, to turn them into a reality. But, what I did not know though I heard it so many times before, is that life does not always go as planned. Adversities come and shake us to the core, bringing our well planned out lives, our hopes and dreams to the ground in a pile of rubble. It is under such pile of rubble that I am blogging and asking what the heck happened?? My Polisci degree is still a hoax. Last fall Stanford, Columbia, UC Berkeley, UCLA and USC teased me, ignited my passion, almost turned that dream into reality. Oh the way I had envisioned my commencement at Stanford I even had my speech prepared, an outfit and some Louboutins.Never mind that they would be hidden under a graduation gown. Wharr!! amazing how the human brain works. But all these schools left me me high and dry. I did not know I had to sell my kidneys and other essential organs to afford any college.
Havard? well... it is a main rumor for now. A loving husband? Let's not even go there even after I edited my "Perfect man list" deleting the ex-model parts in a bid to garner some points with God, hence a faster delivery, it is yet to happen. My Adam is still asleep. The kids? the names are still secret and they may be so for eternity as I am currently struggling with a health condition that seriously endangers my ability to bring them forth. My high profile career? let's just leave it at that.What the heck happened to my life?? I am friggin 35 and jobless!! My friends are graduating from the Ivy league, getting married, are climbing that corporate ladder and the works. One actually got my dream job in Geneva!( I am so proud and jealous of you girl!!) I know you want to scream at me saying "don't compare yourself"!!, I know I should not, I try not to, I am only human and sometimes it is hard not to. There are days when I want to call life names, and trust me none of them would be "holy" or anything along those lines.
Yet in the midst of it all, there is a gentle voice, the voice of truth, a voice that tells me not to be afraid. That everything is unfolding as it should. That I might never be an Ivy league alumni, never have children, might never work in Geneva (sob! sob). That all these goals though are very noble in themselves should not define me. The voice tells me I am created for a higher purpose and even though my path my appear different from what I had planned, all things are working together for good, to give me a future and a hope. This voice raises a hope in me, a tiny flicker of hope. It is all that I have and I will hang vicariously with all that I am onto that hope.
So you ask, Anne why are you parading your private life online, on a blog for the world to see?
I wish I had an answer, but don't I already do that on Facebook? At least my "fabulous life". Well I am writing this blog because it is cathartic but also to encourage someone out there, who like me could be asking what the...? Might be going through some real hard times, a major crisis. Life might not turning out as you had planned, your marriage might be falling apart, you are single heading 50 and wondering where you went wrong, might so badly want to have children but you cannot. Whatever you are going through, be encouraged. Keep the faith. Scripture reminds us that Abraham at the prime age of 99 hoped against all hope that he would be the father of a great nation. Even though Sarah his wife was barren and his body almost as dead. "He was convinced that God will accomplish everything He had promised" Romans4:21.
May we truly believe. I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I know WHO holds it.
As the Austrian poet Rainer Maria Rilke said, "let life happen to you, believe me: Life is in the right always". To quote him again, I say, may we live our questions now, our WTF questions (italics mine) and perhaps even without knowing it, we will live along some distant day into our answers.
Peace.
Anne, we can make all these plans in life, but life always takes its own course. Hang in there don't give up, your story is actually and inspiration to many. I can't wait to read more.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your encouragement. I am am truly humbled by the feedback I am getting. Thank you!
DeleteIsaiah 54:1-4
ReplyDelete1 “Sing, O barren,
You who have not borne!
Break forth into singing, and cry aloud,
You who have not labored with child!
For more are the children of the desolate
Than the children of the married woman,” says the Lord.
2 “Enlarge the place of your tent,
And let them stretch out the curtains of your dwellings;
Do not spare;
Lengthen your cords,
And strengthen your stakes.
3 For you shall expand to the right and to the left,
And your descendants will inherit the nations,
And make the desolate cities inhabited.
4 “Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed;
Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame;
For you will forget the shame of your youth,
And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore.
In today's vocabulary verse 2 would be translated as make a nursery for the baby, have a baby shower, get everything ready for the baby.
DeleteAmen!! May we learn to enlarge and stretch the curtains of our dwellings!
DeleteHi Girl, I admire your courage to face your life and take it in stride. Sharing it the way it is so liberating, isn't it! Thanks for sharing, and I believe that the Good Lord will surely give you what is right for you and always at the right time.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you fondly.
Thank you so much Teresa! You have always been an inspiration for me from way back in the day! Yes it was very liberating to share, great stories are coming out of this one story and I cant wait to share them.
DeleteBlessings!
Anne thanks for sharing. Your courage to be your awesome self is very inspiring! Reading your very moving no-nonsense reflection, I took a few moments to remember how my life did not follow the script that I authored at a very early age. In fact my challenge and adventure has been to move from certain setbacks by progressing upon things worthier and higher than the low points I found myself in. My faith in God has been the fine incentive, the constant red thread that runs through my life and ties everything together. I notice your philanthropy roadmap—how you plan to help the less fortunate girls in your rural village. That is the kind of unselfishness that will conquer the gross gluttony of our age. As for our continued hustle with life, at least mine (as someone put it) echoes with the wooden shoe going up, the polished boot descending. And yes, the red thread reminds me that everything is evolving exactly as it should in God’s perfect timing and synchronicity. Btw in your final paragraph, the second time you quote Rainer Maria Rilke where you add italics, did you add the words also or just the italics?
ReplyDeleteTom thank you so much for the encouragement. You have been a spiritual pillar/guide teaching me to see the hand of God in all things, that faith that holds everything together. As I continue to live the questions, I will sure need your wisdom to walk me into the answers.
DeletePS: The words in italics are mine. :)
Hello my friend,
ReplyDeleteI just read your blog and tried to comment but not sure I understood the technology of trying to leave a comment. My heart is so heavy with all that you continue to live through 'along some distant day into the answer' (as Rainer Rilke has stated). I wanted to share some thoughts from Kathy Hastings that I know you will resonate with.
When does
the end become the beginning
the finite become the infinite
the forsaken become the found
the fear become the release
the worn become the restored
the sorrow become the comfort
the longing become the love
the divided become the whole
the journey become the destination
the death become the life
When does
the making meet the maker
the me meet the you?
When do
the questions become the answer?
You are having to live in that question mark of NOT KNOWING but seeking 'the answer' . . . having to write HARD SURRENDER over so many of your dreams.
Just want you to know I am listening and I care about YOU!
Love you,
Anastasia
Thank you Anastasia! Truly women meeting women in unexpected places for God ordained purposes! May we continue to faithfully follow this UNPREDICTABLE shepherd.
DeleteOhh! my dear Ann, life is a very big puzzle that only one Person holds all the pieces and He dishes us out a piece at a time till our puzzles are complete. Take heart and keep that flame of HOPE burning. Peace
ReplyDelete