Really WTF...??
I know! I should not ask that. Am I not supposed to be the nice conservative (oops!! Did I say conservative? I think it is one of the most distorted words in English but that will be a blog for another day) polite, Christian girl? Should I add ex-nun? I know you are rolling your eyes but I was in a convent, I shock myself too. Let's just say God has an out of this world sense of humor no pun intended.
Anyway let me stop digressing and back to the main question. Yes I am asking the million dollar question what the hell happened to my life?
I had a life, (at least a portion of it ) planned out. If you are like me, I am sure you have your life planned out too. I had goals and career ambitions. They included but were not limited to;
Yes those were some of my goals, still are my goals and ambitions.Did everything I could to achieve them, to turn them into a reality. But, what I did not know though I heard it so many times before, is that life does not always go as planned. Adversities come and shake us to the core, bringing our well planned out lives, our hopes and dreams to the ground in a pile of rubble. It is under such pile of rubble that I am blogging and asking what the heck happened?? My Polisci degree is still a hoax. Last fall Stanford, Columbia, UC Berkeley, UCLA and USC teased me, ignited my passion, almost turned that dream into reality. Oh the way I had envisioned my commencement at Stanford I even had my speech prepared, an outfit and some Louboutins.Never mind that they would be hidden under a graduation gown. Wharr!! amazing how the human brain works. But all these schools left me me high and dry. I did not know I had to sell my kidneys and other essential organs to afford any college.
Havard? well... it is a main rumor for now. A loving husband? Let's not even go there even after I edited my "Perfect man list" deleting the ex-model parts in a bid to garner some points with God, hence a faster delivery, it is yet to happen. My Adam is still asleep. The kids? the names are still secret and they may be so for eternity as I am currently struggling with a health condition that seriously endangers my ability to bring them forth. My high profile career? let's just leave it at that.What the heck happened to my life?? I am friggin 35 and jobless!! My friends are graduating from the Ivy league, getting married, are climbing that corporate ladder and the works. One actually got my dream job in Geneva!( I am so proud and jealous of you girl!!) I know you want to scream at me saying "don't compare yourself"!!, I know I should not, I try not to, I am only human and sometimes it is hard not to. There are days when I want to call life names, and trust me none of them would be "holy" or anything along those lines.
Yet in the midst of it all, there is a gentle voice, the voice of truth, a voice that tells me not to be afraid. That everything is unfolding as it should. That I might never be an Ivy league alumni, never have children, might never work in Geneva (sob! sob). That all these goals though are very noble in themselves should not define me. The voice tells me I am created for a higher purpose and even though my path my appear different from what I had planned, all things are working together for good, to give me a future and a hope. This voice raises a hope in me, a tiny flicker of hope. It is all that I have and I will hang vicariously with all that I am onto that hope.
So you ask, Anne why are you parading your private life online, on a blog for the world to see?
I wish I had an answer, but don't I already do that on Facebook? At least my "fabulous life". Well I am writing this blog because it is cathartic but also to encourage someone out there, who like me could be asking what the...? Might be going through some real hard times, a major crisis. Life might not turning out as you had planned, your marriage might be falling apart, you are single heading 50 and wondering where you went wrong, might so badly want to have children but you cannot. Whatever you are going through, be encouraged. Keep the faith. Scripture reminds us that Abraham at the prime age of 99 hoped against all hope that he would be the father of a great nation. Even though Sarah his wife was barren and his body almost as dead. "He was convinced that God will accomplish everything He had promised" Romans4:21.
May we truly believe. I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I know WHO holds it.
As the Austrian poet Rainer Maria Rilke said, "let life happen to you, believe me: Life is in the right always". To quote him again, I say, may we live our questions now, our WTF questions (italics mine) and perhaps even without knowing it, we will live along some distant day into our answers.
Peace.
I know! I should not ask that. Am I not supposed to be the nice conservative (oops!! Did I say conservative? I think it is one of the most distorted words in English but that will be a blog for another day) polite, Christian girl? Should I add ex-nun? I know you are rolling your eyes but I was in a convent, I shock myself too. Let's just say God has an out of this world sense of humor no pun intended.
Anyway let me stop digressing and back to the main question. Yes I am asking the million dollar question what the hell happened to my life?
I had a life, (at least a portion of it ) planned out. If you are like me, I am sure you have your life planned out too. I had goals and career ambitions. They included but were not limited to;
- Degree in Political Science from the Institute of Political Science in Paris by the time I turn 26,
- A dual Phd/JD from Havard atleast before I hit 33 ( I have issues and lack of ambition is clearly not one of them)
- A loving caring husband, well educated, with great looks an ex-Mr Kenya or ex-Esquire or an Abercrombie and Fitch model. In my fantasy world looks and brains go hand in hand.
- Two kids, I had the names picked ( well I still do I must confess) and hidden in a secret box lest someone decided to steal my kids names.
- A high profile career in some international organisation, securing me a home in Geneva and enough change in my pocket to start a scholarship for girls in my rural village.
Yes those were some of my goals, still are my goals and ambitions.Did everything I could to achieve them, to turn them into a reality. But, what I did not know though I heard it so many times before, is that life does not always go as planned. Adversities come and shake us to the core, bringing our well planned out lives, our hopes and dreams to the ground in a pile of rubble. It is under such pile of rubble that I am blogging and asking what the heck happened?? My Polisci degree is still a hoax. Last fall Stanford, Columbia, UC Berkeley, UCLA and USC teased me, ignited my passion, almost turned that dream into reality. Oh the way I had envisioned my commencement at Stanford I even had my speech prepared, an outfit and some Louboutins.Never mind that they would be hidden under a graduation gown. Wharr!! amazing how the human brain works. But all these schools left me me high and dry. I did not know I had to sell my kidneys and other essential organs to afford any college.
Havard? well... it is a main rumor for now. A loving husband? Let's not even go there even after I edited my "Perfect man list" deleting the ex-model parts in a bid to garner some points with God, hence a faster delivery, it is yet to happen. My Adam is still asleep. The kids? the names are still secret and they may be so for eternity as I am currently struggling with a health condition that seriously endangers my ability to bring them forth. My high profile career? let's just leave it at that.What the heck happened to my life?? I am friggin 35 and jobless!! My friends are graduating from the Ivy league, getting married, are climbing that corporate ladder and the works. One actually got my dream job in Geneva!( I am so proud and jealous of you girl!!) I know you want to scream at me saying "don't compare yourself"!!, I know I should not, I try not to, I am only human and sometimes it is hard not to. There are days when I want to call life names, and trust me none of them would be "holy" or anything along those lines.
Yet in the midst of it all, there is a gentle voice, the voice of truth, a voice that tells me not to be afraid. That everything is unfolding as it should. That I might never be an Ivy league alumni, never have children, might never work in Geneva (sob! sob). That all these goals though are very noble in themselves should not define me. The voice tells me I am created for a higher purpose and even though my path my appear different from what I had planned, all things are working together for good, to give me a future and a hope. This voice raises a hope in me, a tiny flicker of hope. It is all that I have and I will hang vicariously with all that I am onto that hope.
So you ask, Anne why are you parading your private life online, on a blog for the world to see?
I wish I had an answer, but don't I already do that on Facebook? At least my "fabulous life". Well I am writing this blog because it is cathartic but also to encourage someone out there, who like me could be asking what the...? Might be going through some real hard times, a major crisis. Life might not turning out as you had planned, your marriage might be falling apart, you are single heading 50 and wondering where you went wrong, might so badly want to have children but you cannot. Whatever you are going through, be encouraged. Keep the faith. Scripture reminds us that Abraham at the prime age of 99 hoped against all hope that he would be the father of a great nation. Even though Sarah his wife was barren and his body almost as dead. "He was convinced that God will accomplish everything He had promised" Romans4:21.
May we truly believe. I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I know WHO holds it.
As the Austrian poet Rainer Maria Rilke said, "let life happen to you, believe me: Life is in the right always". To quote him again, I say, may we live our questions now, our WTF questions (italics mine) and perhaps even without knowing it, we will live along some distant day into our answers.
Peace.
