A letter from the other side.

Yaay! I was finally able to squeeze is some time to write, I needed the therapy, a break from my crazy busy life. Thank you for letting me indulge! 

Dear friend,

I am writing this letter from the other side,  this mysterious yet beautiful home in my mommy. I am growing! Amazing that not long ago I was the size of a pinhole! Yes a pinhole. I am on my 12^th week and my heart, digestive system, backbone and spinal cord are already forming. Soon I will be able to move and give my mom a kick! How fun! It is hard for me to believe that I am 10,000 times the size I was at conception. That already is blowing my fetal mind off!

I could tell you of all the mind-blowing things happening to me but I will spare you that for now.  First I want to thank you from the bottom of my tiny winy heart for all the support you give me. You fight for my right to live and acknowledge the sanctity of my “little” life, for this I am very grateful.  However, for now my mommy and me are one.  I am sure you understand that unique relationship, that mystery that we are two very separate lives yet  one.  It is in her womb that I call home. I don’t know how I ended up in this precious sanctuary  and honestly for now, I really don’t want to know.  She nourishes and protects me and whatever happens to her affects me directly. So please, please, please would you love my mommy? I know you can, you love me and vehemently support me yet you haven’t seen me. This gives me hope that you will and can love my mom.  I know she might be obnoxious, I know you might feel justified to condemn her, but please I beg you, would you love her? I know this period is very difficult for her, she is anxious about me, about the future about us. Would you please love her, support her, love her enough to TRUST her. Trust that when she comes to that door marked “decisions’ because of the love and support you have given her, love will ultimately triumph.   I know it is hard for you to trust her, how can you trust her? She wasn’t responsible enough, she should have abstained, waited for marriage or used protection, she should have done everything to prevent my being here in the first place.  But we have no time for regrets time is running, soon and very soon my lease will be over and I will have to be out of here somehow. Please if you really love and care for me, kindly love and trust my mom.

Dear friend can I confide one last thing? I am afraid.

Yes I am afraid that once I am born, you will stop supporting me,that you won’t care anymore

I am afraid that I might be of a different skin color, will you support and stand up for me then?

What if I profess a different faith?  I might have physical challenges will you love me still? Will you fight for equal opportunities?

What if I am gay or lesbian, will you still believe in the sanctity of my life?

I might be thinking way ahead of time, but how about my evening years? When my memory will fail me, in soiled diapers… Will you still support and respect my dignity?

Please say you will, won’t you?

Life oh life!

Really WTF...??

I know! I should not ask that. Am I not supposed to be the nice conservative (oops!! Did I say conservative? I think it is one of the most distorted words in English but that will be a blog for another day) polite, Christian girl? Should I add ex-nun? I know you are rolling your eyes but I was  in a convent, I shock myself too. Let's just say God has an out of this world sense of humor no pun intended.
Anyway let me stop digressing and back to the main question. Yes I am asking the million dollar question what the hell happened to my life?
I had a life, (at least a portion of it ) planned out. If you are like me, I am sure you have your life planned out too. I had goals and career ambitions. They included but were not limited to;

• Degree in Political Science from the Institute of Political Science in Paris by the time I turn 26,
• A dual Phd/JD from Havard atleast before I hit 33 ( I have issues and lack of ambition is clearly not one of them)
• A loving caring husband, well educated,  with great looks an ex-Mr Kenya or ex-Esquire or an Abercrombie and Fitch model. In my fantasy world looks and brains go hand in hand.
• Two kids, I had the names picked ( well I still do I must confess) and hidden in a secret box lest someone decided to steal my kids names.
• A high profile career in some international organisation, securing me a home in Geneva and enough change in my pocket to start a scholarship for girls in my rural village.

Yes those were some of my goals, still are my goals and ambitions.Did everything I could to achieve them, to turn them into a reality. But, what I did not know though I heard it so many times before, is that life does not always go as planned. Adversities come and shake us to the core, bringing our well planned out lives, our hopes and dreams to the  ground in a pile of rubble. It is under such  pile of  rubble that I am blogging and asking what the heck happened?? My Polisci degree is still a hoax. Last fall Stanford, Columbia, UC Berkeley, UCLA and USC teased me, ignited my passion, almost turned that dream into reality. Oh the way I had envisioned my commencement at Stanford I even had my speech prepared, an outfit and some Louboutins.Never mind that they would be hidden under a graduation gown. Wharr!! amazing how the human brain works.  But all these schools left me  me high and dry. I did not know I had to sell my kidneys and other essential organs to afford any college.
 Havard? well... it  is a main rumor for now. A loving husband? Let's not even go there even after I edited my "Perfect man list" deleting the ex-model parts in a bid to garner some points with God, hence a faster delivery, it is yet to happen. My  Adam is still asleep. The kids? the names are still secret and they may be so for eternity as I am currently struggling with a health condition that seriously endangers my ability to bring them forth. My high profile career? let's just leave it at that.What the heck happened to my life?? I am friggin 35 and jobless!! My friends are graduating from the Ivy league, getting married, are climbing that corporate ladder and the works. One actually got my dream job in Geneva!( I am so proud and jealous of you girl!!)  I know you want to scream at me saying "don't compare yourself"!!, I know I should not, I try not to, I am only human and sometimes it is hard not to. There are days when I want to call life names, and trust me none of them would be "holy"  or anything along those lines.
Yet in the midst of it all, there is a gentle voice, the voice of truth, a voice that tells me not to be afraid. That everything is unfolding as it should. That I might never be an Ivy league alumni, never have children, might never work in Geneva (sob! sob). That all these goals though are very noble in themselves should not define me. The voice tells me I am  created for a higher purpose and even though my path my appear different from what I had planned, all things are working together for good, to give me a future and a hope. This voice raises a hope in me, a tiny flicker of hope. It is all that I have and  I will hang vicariously with all that I am onto that hope.

So you ask, Anne why are you parading your private life online, on a blog for the world to see?
I wish I had an answer, but don't I already do that on Facebook? At least my "fabulous life".  Well I am writing this blog because it is cathartic but also to encourage someone out there, who like me could be asking what the...? Might be going through some real hard times, a major crisis. Life might not turning out as you had planned, your marriage might be falling apart, you are single heading 50 and wondering where you went wrong, might so badly want to have children but you cannot. Whatever you are going through, be encouraged. Keep the faith. Scripture reminds us that Abraham at the prime age of 99 hoped against all hope that he would be the father of a great nation. Even though Sarah his wife was barren and his body almost as dead. "He was convinced that God will accomplish everything He had promised" Romans4:21.
 May we truly believe. I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I know WHO holds it.

As the Austrian poet  Rainer Maria Rilke said,  "let life happen to you, believe me: Life is in the right always". To quote him again, I say,  may we live our questions now, our WTF questions (italics mine) and perhaps even without knowing it, we will live along some distant day into our answers.

Peace.